Agoraphobia – diary 20072012

I’m sitting here, among these 4 walls (or 20 walls to be precise), 40 something degrees celsius outside, sun is beautifully shining, hear people talking passing by my window – living their lives. My friend has house few kilometers from here, and not just house, but house with nice yard with a swimming pool and freshness from near by woods. So many nice things not so far away. So many things I love not so far away. I love sunshine. I love swimming. I love being in a pool, in water, no matter if I swim or not. I love fresh air. Thought of going out follows me all day long- hoping, planing….

And yet “gut feeling of fear” is present paralyzing me, like its saying NO WAY.

Oh god how it makes me sad!

I’ve put the music on to cheer me up- not helping!

I’m planning to put on my bikini and get some sun ten on my terrace – not helping!

I have plenty of things to do around the house – not helping!

I have plenty articles to write for the site – not helping!

Whatever I think of, its not helping getting read of the feeling of fear, feeling that I can’t go and do what I would like the most  in this moment- dive into a pool.

It would take me just 5 min to my friends place – its not helping! I wouldn’t dare, with this feeling inside of me, to sit in the car alone and drive!

She can come and pick me up – its not helping! She cant help this feeling go away, it will follow me around, anywhere I go and that would take out all the pleasure I yearn for. Further it would make my sadness even worst if I get there and feel fear while doing things I like. Plus, I have to take Denis (my dog) with me which means I need to take care of him there – how can I, I cant even take care of myself there?! Denis is one loveble and loved creature that I cant stand aside and just watch if he is in need for something or even some attention. He is not in good health either and warmth is not what he preferes! What a coulpe we are – fear and pain!

Should I call someone to come with me – it would be easier even though no one can help this feeling go away – but who to call, I cant bother my friends all the time. One of them helped me yesterday, cant call him again. The rest of them did their share of helping these days also.

I’m alone! This feeling of fear deepens the feeling of loneliness.

WTF – why! why! why! Where does it come from! Why now – I dont feel like this all the time?! Why fear becomes worst when I want to do things I like?!

What would those “smart” doctors say now!

Yes I can take a pill and go – feeling will follow me still just not this strong. So what’s the point of drugging myself if the fear is just mildly less?!

God help me, it’s me and you now! Me and you against the fear, against lonliness, against tears, against pain, against….

YES, I KNOW, IT’S LACK OF LIFE ENTHUSIASM! BUT, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

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2 Responses

  1. wdave51 says:

    HI SANDRA,IM SORRY FOR WHAT YOU GOING THRU.IM SAD READING THIS,I WISH I COULD BE THERE WITH YOU TO HOLD YOUR HAND AND BE YOUR GUIDE.I KNOW YOU WOULD HELP ME.I PRAY FOR U THAT THINGS WILL GET AND TO TRUST GOD.IM STILL GETTING THRU MY THERAPY,SLOW PROCESS BUT GETTING BETTER TAKE MY FREIND

  2. Sandra Santiago says:

    Thx W, it already is- moment by moment. That’s life, million different feelings going on inside of us – point is, “do we notice it”, isn’t it?! Just step over next bridge! We are stepping, no matter if we notice or not, but its better if we notice, cause it means we are aware of present moment and as “we know”, present create our future, thus, more awareness brings more “choosing positive thinking rather then negative”.
    When I’ve got over the “feeling sorry for myself”, I’ve got up and made myself call a friend and went out. Its so easy to dwell in “self-pity” – and its ok from time to time to cry yourself out. But when you are done, move to something better, at least, put on tv (something funny or interesting, not news- lol) and life becomes better – right?! We all know these ups and downs, question is, how we deal with them, how much effort we put in keeping ourselves (our mind, thoughts) up.

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