And yet, most of us forget that very soon in our lives. We forget who we really are. At the very beginning we learn from the reactions of our parents, brothers and sisters or whoever we are surrounded by in those first few years of our lives – we learn how we are supposed to be according to their rules, their expectations, their selfish interests, their view points of life and people and relationships – we make a compromises like,” being ME brings ME no good in this life, thus, I’ll be what they want me to be, I’ll pretend that I’m something they like, in order to be loved and accepted. Around the age of 6-7 we realize, we can never be what they want us to be, so many demands laid upon us, but it’s too late, we become rebellious even though we have no idea what we are fighting for. Thus, no progress whatever we do- we stay the same “compromised person” we became. We’ve already choose the role and there is no way back, not because it can’t be done, but cause we forgot what we and who we really are, we forgot those early age compromises and contracts we make with ourselves, we pushed them deep in our subconscious mind cause they hurt- there is no bigger pain then the pain of pretending that you are someone or something you are not, no bigger pain then not feeling free to be ourselves. So we bury it deep, pain is too big, too overwhelming to allow ourselves to feel it. Imagine – and I know all of you feel it and know what I’m talking about- imagine how painful it must be going on through this life, day by day, minute by minute, passing people by, talking to people and being aware that something is not right, you are here and now in this (or any situation) and you are interacting with others, talking, laughing, whatever, but you feel something is missing, something is not right about you. No matter how well accepted and loved you are, you feel it, you feel some emptiness. And those of you who are even little aware of themselves realize that emptiness comes from the fact that the same people that love you and accept you, in fact don’t know you at all, I mean real you. It hurts, isn’t it? It hurts big time!
Then you can imagine how painful have been every time you had to push your real self aside in order to please others, in order to get accepted and loved – by your mother, father, brother, sister, uncle, cousin, friend,…. – every time you betrayed yourself. Who can endure that? Whole lot of pain. But, thank our “heavenly father” (or call it as you wish, universe, Allah, Buda, Krishna, holy spirit, energy…) for giving us that system for repressing the pain, to push it deep inside so that we don’t feel it, cause, I do believe, it is so strong that would literally make us burst to pieces. Thank you God, thank you Lord, thank you Allah,…
Now back to the question – whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, or better to ask, when is that time in our lives when we are free to show others who we really are, when we should stop caring about other people opinion of us, when we should give ourselves permission to demand from others to love as and accept us as we are or not at all- take it or leave it?
I know for some people it’s NEVER, and I really feel sorry for them.
I also know some people who use marriage, that funny signed and sealed piece of paper to allow themselves to finally be what they are, and in my opinion that’s better, better late than never. For some people that time is when they rich the age of 50. Some people at that age give themselves permission to be whoever they can be or are, no matter that that person they are now is not even close to what they were at the very beginning of this life. They are already trained to be different and don’t even notice that’s not who they really are and were, but that is also better than never.
What puzzles me is, when we come across someone who give us a chance to be ourselves, to let loose, to be free to be “me”, and we don’t do it, we don’t allow ourselves that privilege, no matter that the person who loves us would accept our “good and bad”?!
Which brings me to the question, “is it really about other people”, “is it really about, do they accept us or not”, or maybe it’s all about US, our own lack of acceptance for ourselves?
And if it is so, why can’t we accept ourselves, whatever we are and who ever we are? What is so wrong with us? What is it so bad about us – no matter what we did or didn’t do, that we can’t forgive and understand ourselves and let it go.
What is it so bad about admitting to ourselves or others things like, “I’m weak”, or “I’m stupid, my mind is not so fast as others”, or “I’m not capable of doing that (whatever it is)”, or “I’ve cried yesterday cause…”, or “Man/woman, I hate the way you think or do things”, or “I feel like going straight through this pond right now and I’m going too”, or “whatever we think of as sign of weakness or bad manners or being silly”. What is the worst thing that can happen – they will not kill us, that’s for sure. They may choose not to be in our company anymore, so what?! There are plenty of other people similar to us.
Why are we so cruel to ourselves?
Why are we so embarrassed of ourselves, that we can’t admit even to ourselves that we are embarrassed of ourselves?!
What is clouding our sane judgment?!
What you think?